I'm currently 13 weeks and 5 days. I'm feeling much better. I'm working to care for myself and take time out of the day to the things that I want to do.
For the past several weeks (maybe even a month) I have been on a tomato soup kick. In a 2 week period I had it 5 times. Kara and I will make our weekly trip to Panera to get soup. I get a huge bowl of creamy tomato soup and she gets her chicken noodle soup. Sometimes I'll make a stop into Vons and get their Tuscan tomato and basil bisque. Mmmmm, that's good. I've had Trader Joe's organic creamy tomato soup and Campbell's soup too. I love it all. I've also had a taste for tomatoes and not just as a soup. I've been loving them in my salads. One thing that's great about living and eating in Ojai is the fresh produce up here. I can totally taste the different between a home-grown tomato and a store bought one.
Ha! I have to laugh at myself about this next part, but my taste has slightly switched to craving potatoes. :P
I've been loving mashed potatoes lately. When we go out to eat I find myself locating a dish with potatoes and then ordering that, not caring what protein or meat is supposed to accompany it.
Yesterday we had a birthday party for Justin at our house. It was my mission to make my sinful mashed potatoes. Mmmm, they were just what I wanted.
Other than the food cravings I have been feeling better. Psychologically and physically. I take a walk almost everyday. Kara usually comes with me. We walk to the nature preserve behind our house. Yesterday evening we brought our flashlight so we could "explore" the area and hopefully catch a glimpse of some bunnies. Since feeling better I find that I enjoy my time with Kara again. She's such a fun kid to play with and I've missed that since becoming pregnant.
Even though things are getting better and my life is starting to get back on track, I still have this unsettling feeling about this second baby. It's probably not OK so say this, but I'm gonna say it anyways.... The truth is that Kara is such a perfect child, a perfect blend of me and my husband and literally the child that I dreamed of.....that I'm not sure how the second baby will add to our family. (It's hard to say that, but it's really how I feel).
Before Justin and I decided to start a family, we joked about having a little girl that would have my looks and his brains. Meaning, a cute little blond girl who is super smart and will take this world by storm. And I may be bragging a bit, but I'm gonna do it because I'm her mother, but that's exactly the child we have!!!! She's such a spirited, loving, genuine, fun and smarter than a whip little girl that we are super crazy in love with. Our worlds revolve around her. Not because we want to spoil her or give her everything, but because we naturally gravitate to the goodness in her heart. She's a true little angel and a very special gift from God.
I wonder what this second child will be like? Because when I think about the list of things that I value in a person or a child, Kara marks all of them off. What is left? What else is there?
It's a hard space to be in and unless you have more than one child or are also expecting a second one, it's hard to understand what this is like.
I talk with my family on a daily basis and we discuss this often. My mom has been great in expressing her thoughts and feelings about when I was born and then when my brother was born. She tells me that your heart makes room for more children, just like your life does. Each child provides something different that you didn't know you needed or wanted. Each child is so different and an individual blessing from God. When I hear this it does get me excited to meet this new little person.
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