Tomato.Potato

I'm currently 13 weeks and 5 days.  I'm feeling much better.  I'm working to care for myself and take time out of the day to the things that I want to do.

For the past several weeks (maybe even a month) I have been on a tomato soup kick.  In a 2 week period I had it 5 times.  Kara and I will make our weekly trip to Panera to get soup.  I get a huge bowl of creamy tomato soup and she gets her chicken noodle soup.  Sometimes I'll make a stop into Vons and get their Tuscan tomato and basil bisque. Mmmmm, that's good. I've had Trader Joe's organic creamy tomato soup and Campbell's soup too.  I love it all.  I've also had a taste for tomatoes and not just as a soup.  I've been loving them in my salads.  One thing that's great about living and eating in Ojai is the fresh produce up here.  I can totally taste the different between a home-grown tomato and a store bought one.

Ha!  I have to laugh at myself about this next part, but my taste has slightly switched to craving potatoes.  :P
I've been loving mashed potatoes lately.  When we go out to eat I find myself locating a dish with potatoes and then ordering that, not caring what protein or meat is supposed to accompany it.

Yesterday we had a birthday party for Justin at our house.  It was my mission to make my sinful mashed potatoes.  Mmmm, they were just what I wanted.

Other than the food cravings I have been feeling better.  Psychologically and physically.  I take a walk almost everyday.  Kara usually comes with me.  We walk to the nature preserve behind our house.  Yesterday evening we brought our flashlight so we could "explore" the area and hopefully catch a glimpse of some bunnies.  Since feeling better I find that I enjoy my time with Kara again.  She's such a fun kid to play with and I've missed that since becoming pregnant.


Even though things are getting better and my life is starting to get back on track, I still have this unsettling feeling about this second baby.  It's probably not OK so say this, but I'm gonna say it anyways....   The truth is that Kara is such a perfect child, a perfect blend of me and my husband and literally the child that I dreamed of.....that I'm not sure how the second baby will add to our family.  (It's hard to say that, but it's really how I feel).

Before Justin and I decided to start a family, we joked about having a little girl that would have my looks and his brains.  Meaning, a cute little blond girl who is super smart and will take this world by storm.  And I may be bragging  a bit, but I'm gonna do it because I'm her mother, but that's exactly the child we have!!!!  She's such a spirited, loving, genuine, fun and smarter than a whip little girl that we are super crazy in love with.  Our worlds revolve around her.  Not because we want to spoil her or give her everything, but because we naturally gravitate to the goodness in her heart.  She's a true little angel and a very special gift from God.

I wonder what this second child will be like?  Because when I think about the list of things that I value in a person or a child, Kara marks all of them off.  What is left?  What else is there?

It's a hard space to be in and unless you have more than one child or are also expecting a second one, it's hard to understand what this is like.

I talk with my family on a daily basis and we discuss this often.  My mom has been great in expressing her thoughts and feelings about when I was born and then when my brother was born.  She tells me that your heart makes room for more children, just like your life does.  Each child provides something different that you didn't know you needed or wanted.  Each child is so different and an individual blessing from God.  When I hear this it does get me excited to meet this new little person.

Feeling Better

Since openly discussing my depressed mood with friends and family, I have been overwhelmed with kindness.  It has really helped me turn a corner.  Thank you.

But I can't depend on others to elevate my mood.  "God helps those who help themselves".  That is exactly what I've been working on.  I'm taking time out of the day for myself, I've scheduled Kara to spend the night away at least once a week, I will soon be starting some meditation work and tonight was my first prenatal yoga class.  I was in a class when I was pregnant with Kara and it literally saved my life!  During L & D, you never know what's gonna happen and I'm not taking any chances this time.

I called around to a bunch of yoga studios here in ojai to find a prenatal yoga class.  Surprisingly, it was hard to find one.  A lot of yoga teachers offer private lessons, but I really wanted to be around other pregnant women.  A shared experience and a place to share stories.  Pregnancy sometimes has felt isolating (being restricted in things you can't do, eat, drink, etc.)  I'm looking to be around others who are in the current state that I'm in.

So long story short, I found this yoga studio up here that offers the yoga but I would be working with the instructors wife (who is also pregnant).  I thought, "great!  This would be fun.  A private lesson with someone who is currently pregnant".  The class is a restorative class and I would be working with the wife on the side.  We would follow the instructors poses but modify them a bit.

They told me to arrive 15 minutes early so we could go over any medical issues.  So I show up @ 5:45 p.m. sharp in anticipation for a 6:00 p.m. class.  I walk in to a room full of people meditating and I'm confused.  The instructor sees me and quickly leads me back outside so as not to continue to disturb the class.  He tells me the class started at 5:30 p.m.!  I Hate Being Late!  I would rather not go to an event than show up late.  It's something I can't stand!  So immediately I'm embarrassed and mortified.  I can't believe I got the time confused.

So the instructor talked with me a bit about my pregnancy and invited me to stay for the class.  I walk into the room and have to cross over a few people to put my purse in the cubbies at the end of the room.  All the while the old wood floors are creaking under me.  Ugh!  "I'm so sorry!"

I'm super rusty on my possess and find that I'm not as limber as I used to be.  I'm all over the place.  The wife did a great job of teaching me and instructing me, but every so often the instructor had to pause his class and come over to help me.  I was a mess.  "Hi I'm Kristin.  It's not enough that I interrupted your meditation, but now I'm so bad at yoga that I'm stealing your instructor and your class time.  And you want me back next week?!?!"

These posses were not what I'm used to.  I guess I chose a yoga studio that focused on a specific type of yoga.  I don't know.  I typed in "prenatal yoga, ojai, ca" into google's search bar and this is what I found.

Anyways.  I was trying really hard to be a good sport.  But I think what did it for me was when I had the male instructor stand over me to reposition my hips and he had on some really tight short shorts!  Yikes!  I don't think I've been that up close and personal with my husbands..... you know.  I just closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.

I paid for the class and a few more sessions.  I'd like to go back but I don't know if it's for me.  There's another yoga studio that is only for pregnant women, so I may check that out.  It's in Ventura so it will be a little bit of a drive.  I'll see.